The Princess and the Penis by R. J. Silver

The Princess and the Penis (novella)

R. J. Silver

Fantasy/Fairytale
Published in 2010

H/h - Prince Longwood (don't even ask me about his kingdom!)/Princess Amalia
Setting: In the fairytale lands of Westwich.
 

Read in Nov, 2011.

My rating:

OMG, WTF was that? Honestly, I haven’t read anything like this before. How come I missed it when it came out and apparently everyone out there read it as a freebie? It’s so FREAKIN HILARIOUS, I couldn’t hold back my guffaws and my stomach still hurts. An adult take on two fairytales: “The Frog Prince” and “The Princess and the Pea”. I thought it was simply brilliant! Though it’s not anything you can read to your child, it’s not that racy at all. I highly recommend it anyone who’s in need of a good laugh and has an hour or so to spare.

In the Kingdom of Westwich, King Norwood rules sovereign. The apple of his eyes is his only daughter, the beautiful and virtuous Princess Amalia. Now the king wants to keep his daughter chaste and pure as long as she doesn’t get married. He’s done EVERYTHING to make sure she never hears of sex or anything that’s sex related, which includes three chaste companions for her, who are always with her and many guards outside her door or below her window. So far, it seems like it has worked. Now that Amalia has turned 18, the king makes arrangements for her to marry the prince of another region, Rupert. It’d be a great thing for her and for the kingdom as well because Westwich needs financial help which Rupert can provide. But, one fine morning, the princess wakes up tired and yawning because she hasn’t had much sleep last night. When her parents ask why, she kept saying ‘It’s my bed ... there was a lump under my rump all night long’. Something that ‘pokes and prods’ often enough to cause her discomfort! Ok, that got my attentions and held it for the entire story. Her parents try to investigate this ‘lump’ in her mattress that’s causing her so much discomfort. A few days of frustrating investigation later, she describes the lump as ‘it grows long’ when she touches it. Think without quoting it, I can’t even describe it myself *snorts*:

“What kind of shape?” asked the queen, now more concerned than ever.

The princess looked around and picked up one of the large candles from the breakfast table.

“Well, it was long and hard like this, except much thicker. And it was bigger at the top, like a mushroom. And here, at the bottom, it had two large apples, one on either side.”

And, you can only guess what her father’s reaction to that was. After that, it was the awakening of the Princess to the colorful secrets of life. It certainly was a secret to her, the way her father kept her in the dark about sex! I found her innocence very refreshing though and not to mention, honest.

I’m not going to go into anymore details because all the fun is in the reading of this story. I can’t possibly capture it here. It’s about 20 pages or so of absolute hilarity. But while you’re at it, don’t eat or drink in the middle of it! And no matter what, don’t read this to your kids, unless you’re willing to explain about a certain ‘lump’ that ‘squirms and moans’ if someone strokes it!

Ah well, I guess it’s time for me to go and take a nap now. ;)